23 April 2014

Alma Mater

It's been a while since I last posted anything here. Perhaps I was feeling less inspired since the last post I wrote or maybe I've been busy. Busy trying to figure out life, no? I've missed writing, really. It's a medium to seek solitude to mend whatever has shattered me. Well as the title suggests I am going to talk about what's been going on with this life. Sigh what an appalling life to be exact. Anyhow, I've been occupied with an unpaid job these days; practicum teaching at some elementary school (told ya, mate it's an appalling life). So a few days left (thank God!) before I bid my wishful valedictory to the school and return to college as a normal student soon. Been very much anticipating it though. Life as it is now can be quite exciting yet exhausting. 

As Bukowski put it:
How in the hell could a person enjoy being awakened at 6.30 a.m by an alarm clock, leap out of the bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, light traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so? 

Well, this is how my life revolves these days which I'm gonna have to go through for the next 30 years (God bless me). Seems like a perpetual deja vu, no? Anyway, I'm currently teaching at some urban school which looks really shabby but the surrounding is pretty fine. Life outside college is quite exuberayting as I can temporarily bail out of curfew though there's nothing interesting around here hence explains why I frequent Kuala Lumpur almost every weekend. It's really tacky honestly. It completely contradicts what I have anticipated before setting my foot here. Nonetheless, being around some good mates pretty much fills the void or else I might have dead out of boredom lol. We try to make the best out of it anyhow. 

Let me recall what I have been doing for the past months. Me and my roommates had an escapade at Bukit Cerakah last few week. That, mate what fun really mean is. Went there on a weekend just to get some fresh air (been breathing in unhealthy air, really). It was awesome. I mean we cycled around the forest and stopped somewhere to peer through the surrounding. That was indeed a great weekend that I rarely had these days. Perhaps, I gotta stick with the right company to have this kind of fun, and not stay-at-home-single guys lmao. I suppose I am quite a naturalist since I am particularly fond of this sort of environment while refusing to stay out of my own comfort zone (unfathomable urban life). I might do this every once and a while. Should get my own bike and cycle around the big city. (Whoa, that would look really cool).

Just another foot note on teaching; I'm trying to get used to the title 'cikgu' now. Still trying to cope with it since all this time I've been denying this title to myself. I don't know. I somehow drew a mental aversion by not allowing myself to be called 'cikgu'. I never address myself as cikgu before but I'm trying to now. It feels weird though. Anyway, whatever God's planned for me, I will absolutely opt for early retirement and get a more promising job. 

p/s: I'm gonna scream 'I SURVIVED PRACTICUM BITCHES' once it comes to an end soon. 

03 December 2013

The Semester Break

A lot has been going on throughout the first 3 weeks of the holiday. One of them was sister's and brother's wedding. Yeah, the reception was held on the same day. I had to be busy with it since I was required to run errands and stuff which sometimes I reluctantly did. The week was hectic. I had to be practically home most of the time. The wedding went well and now people been anticipating my turn (I'm aware that I'm next) which God knows when. I can never tell. I'd just end up giving an awkward grin every time somebody asks about it. I don't wanna lie nor give false expectation so silent is gold. Why would people even bother to know, anyway? Anyway, I'm happy for both my brother and sister. I welcome the extended family with heartfelt (still awkward though).

I'm concurrently reading two books of different genres (fiction and self-discovery[?]). Just finished Garth Stein's The Art of Racing in The Rain. A narration from a dog's point of view named Enzo. Lent from a very good friend of mine. It is a really intriguing story as I've never read such a story told from an animal's point of view even though it's merely a work of fiction. So I shifted the reading preference to something different this time. As I read through, it feels as if a human narrating the tale yet it's actually a dog's observation of the surrounding. You will subtly notice that it's told from a dog's perspective. So I thought, if only animal could talk, you can exchange interactions besides gestures which are rather limited to human's understanding at times. Besides, you can make them your best friends if you are sick of dealing with humans. As for another book I'm currently reading, it's about seeking the light of the life through Islam's point of view or perspective consisting of five volumes altogether (I'm currently on the final volume). It's actually a gift from my new brother in law which worth a hefty amount of money. I appreciate the gift nevertheless so thanks to him. 

I've been going out at night a lot lately. By at night I mean really late at night. With friends and cousins. We don't do anything much besides going out for a drink, futsal in between the occasion and talking most of the time (young lads stuff). Since I rarely spend time in kampung so this is actually a good time for some catching up and stuff. Aside from reading, I don't do anything much at home anyway. So going out and talk is an escape. We don't go anywhere far. We just sit at the gazebo in front of the house and exchange stories till dawn. So that's basically the cycle of my life this holiday. It's rather unhealthy but I'm young and free. As long as I don't do drugs parents aren't really concerned about it. They know I won't. I'm having a good time so far. This activity will keep going until I return to Kuala Lumpur. 

I'll be 23 years old in one month time. I guess it's time to get more serious in life. I can't wait to graduate. 

15 November 2013

Foreseeing Future

The sixth semester of third year's degree is finally over which leaves another year to strife and survive. I didn't feel particularly exuberant nor excited after the last paper. There was nothing unusual about it. Anyway, next year will be my final year in college (yay!) after a marathon of malingering yet I am still able to pursue till the end and I look forward to never seeing some people again (this doesn't sound right) but let's face it I'm not friends with everyone in college. I cultivate selective social circle (this term pretty much doesn't exist). So final year soon and what shall I do next? I won't instantly get a job right after college. Will probably need to attend a series of interviews (I'm inescapably bound to unfathomable future). Having said that, I'm attracted to one particular Koran's verse which says: 

He has created everything in a particular proportion and has determined the measures for its capabilities and potentialities (25:2)

I ought to ponder the fragmented future yet in no power to question what shall be fated. After all, everything happens for a reason. I once questioned a religious scholar if everything happens for a reason, to certain extent why am I left ignorant about it? Why it keeps me wondering about it? I can't specifically recall what he told me but he basically said some things are better left unanswered. I was intermidated and perplexed by the answer until I began peering through some books to enlighten this deserted mind and finally understood what he really meant for what he said merely lightened my mind. This happened last year, by the way. Nevertheless, grieve not, verily Allah is with us (9:40). Never complain. Embrace the perquisite of being Muslim instead. (I'm not the right person to preach about religion). 

Anyway, I'll be spending one month and a half at home. Aside from working, I will occupy myself with books (brought home a few) and entertain myself with research papers (preparation for action research). To surreptitiously gather some candescent and useful ideas of what I shall execute next year. I just do not want to waste my time doing nothing, really. I'll be busy with my sister's wedding, too. I'm fond of keeping myself busy. On the different side of the note, it's been a great year in college. Been through so many incredible things (alone, most of the time). Maybe I'm just aloof or maybe detachment is in my nature. Either way, I indulge it well. 
Detachment from the Dunya is not that you should own nothing, but that nothing should own you.

"It is an honor for a person to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will quarrel"

I don't need to illuminate further. Have a pleasant holiday to my student teacher friends. See you guys next year (god this is perky). 

08 November 2013

Perpetual Perplex

Still in the midst of examination week. Life goes on as it is albeit socially dormant. I am in a constant third world financial crisis. Anyway, the intermission between one paper to the next is about a week ergo we, the guys including me (it was an instinctive decision) had an escapade at some waterfall in Hulu Yam last Thursday. It was pretty great and euphoric. I was not supposed to go there in the first place as I was scheduled to attend a talk called Majlis Penjelasan Fatwa by Pejabat Mufti Wilayah Persekutuan. Admittedly, I was eagerly anticipating to attend such informative event just to sit and listen to what was going to be imparted but I woke up rather late (going back to sleep after subuh prayer was such a terrible idea). As the day did not turn out as mentally outlined, I decided to tag along to Hulu Yam but I still felt bad for not attending the talk that I was really looking forward to going. If I attended the talk, it would give me an occasion to meet some local Islamic scholars there. They might be unfamiliar to me yet knowledgeable. So that's what matters.      

That's not exactly I want to talk about. Anyhow yet somehow, I've been experiencing a continuum of bafflement lately; about something that I often ponder myself. It seems like a perpetual deja vu. I don't know really. There's a self-defense mechanism that keeps myself from having any real honest connection or commitment with my true feelings. I am just trying to build a new paradigm of understanding about this life, about myself so I had a sudden epiphany: what if I joined some 'underground' usrah group? By underground means nobody that knows me in person should know I join an usrah ergo it should be something discreet. Since they practically work as social support group where I can sit and listen with subtle engrossment to the people attempting to lighten everyone with religious knowledge and some worldly issues (I guess). I never know how does an usrah work, honestly. But then again, I am pretty dubious about it because it might not be able to enlighten my ignorant sluggish mind. If you never try, you'll never know eh? But I really want to learn about Islam, all over again. I do not want my faith get stripped away as I grow older. This explains why I was anticipating to attend the talk. It could be a platform of learning from the basics.

The idea of joining an usrah is that, if I have any doubts about the religion I could simply probe the questions to any of the usrah members and I hope the answers would be plausible to suffice my curiosity. I'm drifting apart. I can't fully comprehend the obligations of being a Muslim aside from 5 times daily obligatory prayers and observing the month of Ramadan through the act of abstaining yourself from thirst and hunger for 13 hours. But the obligatory practice such as solat is merely a routine (somewhat). I've made a habit of practicing it on daily basis. Fortunately, I have found a confidant whom I would occasionally question my doubts and curiosity about the religion to; my roommate. Since he attended religious school so he basically have ample relevant knowledge about Islam. He would give some credible analogies to illuminate and enlighten me to attend to my questions. I should be grateful to have him as a friend. I'm not ashamed of asking him questions even about the most fundamental things. It always stays between him and me. So basically I am still on the verge of looking for any ultimate usrah groups that I can participate to patch the loopholes of the religious doubts. Anyway, I am dubious that the desire to transform myself is just something impermanent.

My brother is getting married this weekend. I'm happy for him though I still can't believe that he's finally getting married. I don't even know his fiancee in person still.

31 October 2013

Declaration of Perceptions

It's an examination week in college now. Kicked off a day ago (in my case). People finally dig out and realise what they actually learn throughout the semester. Sometimes I question myself, why does this thing happen? Who or what do we blame? Is it because the system implemented steers students to act and yield themselves to such behaviour? It's a question that only oneself can answer. I too have been asking myself with the exact same question albeit no apparent answer surfaces to suffice the curiosity (so far). Are we too bound to the exam oriented system where we only revise at the very last minute and are proud of doing so because no matter how late we revise we are able to scribble the answers anyway? I'll just leave the question unanswered, unscripted because this just my own perception of how I see myself studying and struggling to compete like a mad to just be bogus-ly branded intelligent based on the grades achieved. What an overwhelming misconception. I personally think we're so concerned with failure and success like these two things are all that's going to sum you up at the end. Never mind this adamant policy. We seem to be too dependent on this thing. Who are we to alter the world, anyway? Quite a lengthy narration for an introduction. Moving on.

This is not actually what I intent to write. I reckon it happens because I'm letting my thoughts to flow out too freely this time hence a narration scripted. I'm attempting to associate the thoughts above with my family's attitude towards me being a student. It's been going on since I was in alma mater but only now I realise this. It's quite appalling to think of or perhaps it's just bizarre. I really don't know what to think, honestly. I'll hit straight to the point. My family doesn't seem to bother much of how I'm actually doing in college. Obviously, back in high school years I could sense terrific bullets of lectures coming on every time I returned home on semester holidays because more often than not my results were extremely terrible. It was horrifying to some extent but it just ended with a nag and then it ended there. No additional prologue to the episode. Lawyered to an undisclosed issue (heh). But now everything is dissimilar. No one bothers or ever asked how many A's I obtain every semester. Not that I fond of broadcasting my life's update to anyone in the family anyway. So college isn't a topic of interest at home. So no more extradition on semester break at home (bliss). 

Frankly, such an attitude frustrates me occasionally but it's not a bad thing somewhat. They are still my family nevertheless. If I was rebellious I'd absolutely think of flunking myself but I won't do it because it would the loss on my own side. Whom am I kidding? So I still bring myself to this life as a college student and sit for exams like any other people do. I like to trick my mind to believe that my family still subtly care about me although it seems unappealing. It's probably the nuance of the family which I have yet to comprehend and utilise my mind to such thing. I shall not resent them for their attitude is against what I have mentally sketched. Rather, I shall be grateful that my conscience doesn't seem to fool me into trashing my own life. I should perform well in academic career as it's the only thing that I've got left to make me realise who I really am. I'm going to make myself proud. So far, I still maintain a decent academic record so yeah that's a good thing I suppose. I can't wait to graduate. So long.

My playlist is rather trashy these days. I shall tune to fresher vibes soon.