28 September 2012

I'm Losing The Battle

I thought being an adult promises me that I could handle my life better than I was a teenager. But I guess it's just ironic that as I grow older the harder it takes to handle my emotion. I feel like everything is slipping away. I'm starting to lose my grip in everything until I don't know what to believe and to hold onto. There's no point trying to be to good to anybody yet you end up being trashed like you are no one to them. God knows how miserable it feels to be treated that way. I'm just sick with everything as if my existence is just like a fog that will eventually disappear in thin air in no time. I'm tired of being the actor of a cheap drama with no ending. The film will keep rolling yet the plot is never resolved. There's always fucking hell in between. All I know is I'm always the antagonist of the drama. People will never see the good side of me but are quick to label me as if I don't deserve a life in this hellish world. People will applaud to see you losing in the middle of the journey and waiting to boo you like you deserve everything that have been destined to you.

Dear God, don't make me lose faith in You because I could feel that I am beginning to now.

20 September 2012

Inconsolable Soul



There's a lot going on in my mind right now. So many things that I have to bear in this narrow head clouded with miserable thoughts. These loopholes of thought make feel I'm worthless to be alive. Often, I try hard to convince myself that I, too, deserve to be happy like everyone else but alas this thought is not convincing enough for me to believe that I deserve a part in anyone's life until forever. I always lost in the battlefield of thought. I'm tired of repeating this battle which I will never win. Each day I hate waking up because I know my day will be invaded with my own grief. I have every desire to be somewhere else and someone else but it doesn't seem to happen and will never be. If I were to question God's fate I will be damned in hell for sure. I wanna be someone who knows that I'm worth to be alive. I wanna be normal. I always question myself; why I was born this way? A question that will never be answered by anything or anyone not even myself. 

I'm just afraid to keep going with the life I'm living now. I have drifted apart. I need someone whom I can approach and put  me back on the right path again. I'm tired of being sinful with the God. My soul is too brutal; pierced to pieces beyond mend; inconsolable in His grief. I need my religion to embrace me again. I wanna mend it again so that I won't live as an empty vessel; alone in my own loneliness. I wanna walk on this earth knowing that I will never lose faith. The problem with me is, I'm too afraid to tell anyone that I'm not someone they thought I am. I don't wanna be judged just because I'm different. Appearance can be be deceiving. I walk my day pretending that I'm normal though deep in cupboard of my rib cage, I loathe myself for doing that. No, I'm not sad. I'm just too disappointed with myself. Living the life that I refuse to. I keep insisting that I will change someday but there's no assurance that it will make myself a better me. How long can I keep living like this?
Answer me!

19 August 2012

Eid Mubarak 2012

When I browsed through my old posts I realised that I didn't write anything on hari raya last year. So I think I'm gonna scribble something about it this year. It's basically the same every year. You know, waking up early,preparing myself for hari raya prayer and asking for forgiveness from everyone you know and stuff.

One thing I realise about hari raya is no matter how old I am, I still have the excitement to celebrate the day with my family and relatives. It's the only chance for some of us to meet and talk as everyone is busy with their works etc. As I grow older, I try to grab this opportunity to say my forgiveness to everyone around me for all my wrongdoings, mistakes, ignorance and my imperfection. Sometimes I might not realise that I've offended or hurt someone's feeling so guess this is the best day to apologise and neutralise my sins with the people around me. Hari raya is a day where we including myself purify our soul and ceremonialise it with joy and excitement.

I would like to wish everyone happy Eid Mubarak and maaf zahir batin. I would to apologise for all my wrongdoings and everything I've done that might have hurt them either intentionally or unintentionally. I hope no one would hold a grudge against me anymore. Have a blast on this blissful month of shawwal.


30 June 2012

Composing Sanity

You may think that you've lost a few friends but some people still want you in their life. Unlike me, once I've lost some friends, I will become an outcast. Hated and ridiculed.Loneliness has become my middle name. If you asked me did I ever choose this life, the answer is definitely no. Maybe I was born this way. To be left alone in sorrow. Often, I want my life to end before the expiration date as I no longer see the value of life yet my religion still embraces me. Pulling me off  from the edge of cliff to make me sane again whenever I think of ending my life. I realise running away from problems won't solve any of it but sometime the burden that's been hampering me is too much to be lifted by a miserable soul like me.

13 June 2012

Brief Update

Currently on a 3-week of semester break which will end in a few days. basically I'm rotting at home cos I got no money to go out.I'm fucking broke mate. but this time my hiatus is pretty much productive. I read books, I go jogging and keeping myself busy most of the time. honestly, I hate staying at home. this is how you feel when you are living in a not-so-happy family.tell you what I don't really talk to anybody since my first day of holiday. that's how the family functions. it's not easy but I gotta live with it. you mind your own fucking business period.screw that shit.that's not what I'm gonna talk here.I don't have anything to talk about anyway. whatever, I just wanna this holiday to end soon. I wanna be away from home.

*when I'm around other people I can still pretend that I'm normal

06 June 2012

Sinful As I Am

Not telling the truth
sometimes I feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff,
looking down at the crashing surf
with nowhere to go but down.
I used to have these fun dreams
when I was so free.
But now, as I fly,
I'm afraid.
They are telephone lines and electrical wires.
How painful it would be to run into one.
I wonder if I'll ever be free again.

18 May 2012

Sketching The Mental Picture Of The Future

Should I tell you what does the title mean? sure I don't need to.You will know when you read further.If you ever be bothered to do so of course. anyway it's good to be back here though.spilling everything out into words without trying not to offend anyone 'cause that's what I always do here lol. If you asked what's been going with my life now, I dare say that there's nothing good going on with me lately.life never treats me well. blegh I'm here not to talk about how fucked up my life is. I wanna to talk about something else.something you know, some stuff heheh.

This is the hardest part. I don't know how to begin or where to begin.right I've an idea now. I think most of friends know that I'm currently studying at a teacher training college.you know, where people study to become teachers. ergo I'm a student teacher.to be exact an English teacher-to-be.don't be surprised if you didn't know this.honestly,it never crossed my mind that someday I'll become a teacher.

22 April 2012

Questioning Humanity

I’ve been feeling pretty disillusioned lately. I feel like it’s rare to find people who are compassionate, sympathetic or selfless. It feels like it’s the exact opposite. People expect everything and will give you barely anything in return.
I try my best to remain optimistic. I know there are good people out there, they’re just difficult to find. Trying to do the right thing even if it’s at my personal expense comes naturally to me, I guess I always figured that for everyone it was the same. I honestly feel the world would function so much more smoothly if people just stopped focusing solely on themselves.

21 April 2012

It Lies Beneath The Ground

It's been a while since last I posted something here, and honestly I missed writing. I did promise myself to at least write once a month but it doesn't seem to happen though. Finding the right moment to write is never easy lately as my life revolves around endless marathon of assignments and other workloads that never seem to lessen. anyway, the wait is over now.here I am back to writing making it as conversation escape.

I keep thinking what should I write in this entry and I think I've got something going on in my mind.it's about me for sure and will always be about myself. funny when I look back at my previous entries, most of 'em sounds very depressing.I don't know why.maybe I'm just a depressed guy? ugh I feel fucked up saying this for no reason.now I'm gonna lash out what's been happening with my depressing adult life.I'm 21 so I am an adult and proud LOL.

18 February 2012

Stranded in the Wrong Room

You're living in a sea of people yet you always feel like you're like a stranger.never to be noticed or being given attention. you're no one to them. and most of the time you hate yourself. I have a daring confession to make here. It's about living in a place that you can never fit with bunch of people that you can never get along with. if you were in my place you'll know how it feels. I realize I have a lot of haters in this horrible place just because I'm being myself.

I may act like I don't give a shit but honestly, I feel scared. I feel scared because I'm all alone here. truth is I'm still looking for people that I can truly fit with. yeah I know I have very cool housemates and they are really awesome. by fit means those who at least have a few things in common with me.whom probably I can really trust so I can share every single thing with them. so far I find none which leaves me feeling vulnerable filled with loopholes in my heart. even worse when you wake up every morning knowing that you have to face some people that you loathe and really hope they rot in hell.