21 April 2012

It Lies Beneath The Ground

It's been a while since last I posted something here, and honestly I missed writing. I did promise myself to at least write once a month but it doesn't seem to happen though. Finding the right moment to write is never easy lately as my life revolves around endless marathon of assignments and other workloads that never seem to lessen. anyway, the wait is over now.here I am back to writing making it as conversation escape.

I keep thinking what should I write in this entry and I think I've got something going on in my mind.it's about me for sure and will always be about myself. funny when I look back at my previous entries, most of 'em sounds very depressing.I don't know why.maybe I'm just a depressed guy? ugh I feel fucked up saying this for no reason.now I'm gonna lash out what's been happening with my depressing adult life.I'm 21 so I am an adult and proud LOL.

how do I put this huh? right, at the age of 21 I'm having such a conflict with myself. sometime I can't really figure out why. many life issues messing around with me. now the issue is having a low self esteem. yes! that's me.a guy with a very low self esteem. people often see me come off as confident who always keep my head high but the truth is I'm not. I never have pride in myself. I'm never good at anything. my life is basically suck in every aspect. having a negative feeling towards myself makes me difficult to fit into anyone's life which end up me being alone all the time. often, I do things on my own. I go out alone, spend hours at shopping malls alone, I watch movie alone etc. I know it sounds pathetic but this is who I am. I can't change it though. I don't wanna pity myself as it will make my life even pathetic.I live the life the way it is.

let me tell you why I have a low self esteem.the reason is simple. it's because of my past life experiences. one, school was never really fun for me.I was, let's say, bullied? I will make it simple, school was hellish for me.period.secondly, the effect of it affects my entire life.another thing is I have the fear of being judged by everyone around me (even up until now!). If I were to list the reasons I will fill up this entire column. I will stop here as no one bothers to give a shit anyway.

in college, I tried to fit into this particular group by joining them.I tried going out with them once or twice but I don't feel comfortable because I always think that they don't like me.they are fun but I'm not.I mean I don't have fun the way they do.I keep thinking I am being judged by them. I feel that I'm different and I can never fit into this group. I blame myself for having the lowest self esteem anyone ever had. the best thing I can do when I'm around them is by making fake happy face.I should credit myself for having the ability but damn I hate myself for doing this.my life is fucked up.

this stuff makes me wonder though. I mean for how long I can keep going on with my life bearing low esteem. I realise I won't go far if I keep looking down on myself. I have big dreams but hell I can't achieve them if I can't change myself.I need to get rid of this horrible thing in my life.the question is how? or perhaps my life will be fucked up until the end of time. no one knows. shit I really hate my life,honestly.people say accept yourself before you want yourself to be accepted by others.yes, I accept myself of who I am but I never feel i'm being accepted by the people around me.whatever.fuck my life.

2 comments:

  1. the kind of thing i felt every time balik rumah kat sini. :(

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  2. unlucky for us to have such low self esteem :(

    ReplyDelete