28 September 2012

I'm Losing The Battle

I thought being an adult promises me that I could handle my life better than I was a teenager. But I guess it's just ironic that as I grow older the harder it takes to handle my emotion. I feel like everything is slipping away. I'm starting to lose my grip in everything until I don't know what to believe and to hold onto. There's no point trying to be to good to anybody yet you end up being trashed like you are no one to them. God knows how miserable it feels to be treated that way. I'm just sick with everything as if my existence is just like a fog that will eventually disappear in thin air in no time. I'm tired of being the actor of a cheap drama with no ending. The film will keep rolling yet the plot is never resolved. There's always fucking hell in between. All I know is I'm always the antagonist of the drama. People will never see the good side of me but are quick to label me as if I don't deserve a life in this hellish world. People will applaud to see you losing in the middle of the journey and waiting to boo you like you deserve everything that have been destined to you.

Dear God, don't make me lose faith in You because I could feel that I am beginning to now.

20 September 2012

Inconsolable Soul



There's a lot going on in my mind right now. So many things that I have to bear in this narrow head clouded with miserable thoughts. These loopholes of thought make feel I'm worthless to be alive. Often, I try hard to convince myself that I, too, deserve to be happy like everyone else but alas this thought is not convincing enough for me to believe that I deserve a part in anyone's life until forever. I always lost in the battlefield of thought. I'm tired of repeating this battle which I will never win. Each day I hate waking up because I know my day will be invaded with my own grief. I have every desire to be somewhere else and someone else but it doesn't seem to happen and will never be. If I were to question God's fate I will be damned in hell for sure. I wanna be someone who knows that I'm worth to be alive. I wanna be normal. I always question myself; why I was born this way? A question that will never be answered by anything or anyone not even myself. 

I'm just afraid to keep going with the life I'm living now. I have drifted apart. I need someone whom I can approach and put  me back on the right path again. I'm tired of being sinful with the God. My soul is too brutal; pierced to pieces beyond mend; inconsolable in His grief. I need my religion to embrace me again. I wanna mend it again so that I won't live as an empty vessel; alone in my own loneliness. I wanna walk on this earth knowing that I will never lose faith. The problem with me is, I'm too afraid to tell anyone that I'm not someone they thought I am. I don't wanna be judged just because I'm different. Appearance can be be deceiving. I walk my day pretending that I'm normal though deep in cupboard of my rib cage, I loathe myself for doing that. No, I'm not sad. I'm just too disappointed with myself. Living the life that I refuse to. I keep insisting that I will change someday but there's no assurance that it will make myself a better me. How long can I keep living like this?
Answer me!