20 September 2012

Inconsolable Soul

There's a lot going on in my mind right now. So many things that I have to bear in this narrow head clouded with miserable thoughts. These loopholes of thought make feel I'm worthless to be alive. Often, I try hard to convince myself that I, too, deserve to be happy like everyone else but alas this thought is not convincing enough for me to believe that I deserve a part in anyone's life until forever. I always lost in the battlefield of thought. I'm tired of repeating this battle which I will never win. Each day I hate waking up because I know my day will be invaded with my own grief. I have every desire to be somewhere else and someone else but it doesn't seem to happen and will never be. If I were to question God's fate I will be damned in hell for sure. I wanna be someone who knows that I'm worth to be alive. I wanna be normal. I always question myself; why I was born this way? A question that will never be answered by anything or anyone not even myself. 

I'm just afraid to keep going with the life I'm living now. I have drifted apart. I need someone whom I can approach and put  me back on the right path again. I'm tired of being sinful with the God. My soul is too brutal; pierced to pieces beyond mend; inconsolable in His grief. I need my religion to embrace me again. I wanna mend it again so that I won't live as an empty vessel; alone in my own loneliness. I wanna walk on this earth knowing that I will never lose faith. The problem with me is, I'm too afraid to tell anyone that I'm not someone they thought I am. I don't wanna be judged just because I'm different. Appearance can be be deceiving. I walk my day pretending that I'm normal though deep in cupboard of my rib cage, I loathe myself for doing that. No, I'm not sad. I'm just too disappointed with myself. Living the life that I refuse to. I keep insisting that I will change someday but there's no assurance that it will make myself a better me. How long can I keep living like this?
Answer me!

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