03 December 2013
15 November 2013
08 November 2013
That's not exactly I want to talk about. Anyhow yet somehow, I've been experiencing a continuum of bafflement lately; about something that I often ponder myself. It seems like a perpetual deja vu. I don't know really. There's a self-defense mechanism that keeps myself from having any real honest connection or commitment with my true feelings. I am just trying to build a new paradigm of understanding about this life, about myself so I had a sudden epiphany: what if I joined some 'underground' usrah group? By underground means nobody that knows me in person should know I join an usrah ergo it should be something discreet. Since they practically work as social support group where I can sit and listen with subtle engrossment to the people attempting to lighten everyone with religious knowledge and some worldly issues (I guess). I never know how does an usrah work, honestly. But then again, I am pretty dubious about it because it might not be able to enlighten my ignorant sluggish mind. If you never try, you'll never know eh? But I really want to learn about Islam, all over again. I do not want my faith get stripped away as I grow older. This explains why I was anticipating to attend the talk. It could be a platform of learning from the basics.
The idea of joining an usrah is that, if I have any doubts about the religion I could simply probe the questions to any of the usrah members and I hope the answers would be plausible to suffice my curiosity. I'm drifting apart. I can't fully comprehend the obligations of being a Muslim aside from 5 times daily obligatory prayers and observing the month of Ramadan through the act of abstaining yourself from thirst and hunger for 13 hours. But the obligatory practice such as solat is merely a routine (somewhat). I've made a habit of practicing it on daily basis. Fortunately, I have found a confidant whom I would occasionally question my doubts and curiosity about the religion to; my roommate. Since he attended religious school so he basically have ample relevant knowledge about Islam. He would give some credible analogies to illuminate and enlighten me to attend to my questions. I should be grateful to have him as a friend. I'm not ashamed of asking him questions even about the most fundamental things. It always stays between him and me. So basically I am still on the verge of looking for any ultimate usrah groups that I can participate to patch the loopholes of the religious doubts. Anyway, I am dubious that the desire to transform myself is just something impermanent.
My brother is getting married this weekend. I'm happy for him though I still can't believe that he's finally getting married. I don't even know his fiancee in person still.
31 October 2013
This is not actually what I intent to write. I reckon it happens because I'm letting my thoughts to flow out too freely this time hence a narration scripted. I'm attempting to associate the thoughts above with my family's attitude towards me being a student. It's been going on since I was in alma mater but only now I realise this. It's quite appalling to think of or perhaps it's just bizarre. I really don't know what to think, honestly. I'll hit straight to the point. My family doesn't seem to bother much of how I'm actually doing in college. Obviously, back in high school years I could sense terrific bullets of lectures coming on every time I returned home on semester holidays because more often than not my results were extremely terrible. It was horrifying to some extent but it just ended with a nag and then it ended there. No additional prologue to the episode. Lawyered to an undisclosed issue (heh). But now everything is dissimilar. No one bothers or ever asked how many A's I obtain every semester. Not that I fond of broadcasting my life's update to anyone in the family anyway. So college isn't a topic of interest at home. So no more extradition on semester break at home (bliss).
Frankly, such an attitude frustrates me occasionally but it's not a bad thing somewhat. They are still my family nevertheless. If I was rebellious I'd absolutely think of flunking myself but I won't do it because it would the loss on my own side. Whom am I kidding? So I still bring myself to this life as a college student and sit for exams like any other people do. I like to trick my mind to believe that my family still subtly care about me although it seems unappealing. It's probably the nuance of the family which I have yet to comprehend and utilise my mind to such thing. I shall not resent them for their attitude is against what I have mentally sketched. Rather, I shall be grateful that my conscience doesn't seem to fool me into trashing my own life. I should perform well in academic career as it's the only thing that I've got left to make me realise who I really am. I'm going to make myself proud. So far, I still maintain a decent academic record so yeah that's a good thing I suppose. I can't wait to graduate. So long.
My playlist is rather trashy these days. I shall tune to fresher vibes soon.
29 October 2013
The conversation started to become more intriguing when we began to talk about some college stuff. Fast forward, the chat was tuned to my previous record. My past as in how I was actually transferred from a non-English niche college to this English niche college. As one of my juniors, he absolutely did not have any idea about this until I told him. It's funny really. Having to explain how and why it happened since I have pretty much thought nobody would ask about this anymore. I assumed he was curious. So the old story was unearthed, again and again. It's like an ongoing cycle. Interestingly, he questioned me about trying to fit in the new place when I was transferred to the new college. Ah nobody ever picked this subject of conversation before. So, I humbly illuminated to him how I actually took almost two years to cope with the new environment and this is my third year in this place. Went through endless hell and miserable life. Come to think again, this lad knew how to humor me with such question. It was like a subtle message of mirroring myself; looking back at the old me. Being thrown into a capsule of growing up transition. A never ending process.
Long story short, he asked about my circle of friends; of comparing the friends in the new college and the former one. To be honest, it would unfair if I did this thing but I gave him an honest answer. I'm more comfortable to be around friends in my former college. This is going to sound a bit dramatic but if I were given a chance to go back to my previous college I would certainly return there and never come back. I'm not imposing the idea of whether I fancy my friends in my former college more than the new one but I just wish I could go back there. Well, this is just an impossible thing to happen because I'm already in my third of studies now. I should get real. That will remain become a wish, scattered with no chance of being granted. But yeah, I still like the cultivation of being alone, going through the day alone because my life is better this way but I should cherish my friends nonetheless. Anyway, this is just merely a writing because I just feel like writing. I love writing more than I love people lol. Be back soon!
I encountered a turmoil recently. Something that I never consciously experienced before. It was a mix of feelings of resentment and loneliness.
12 October 2013
07 October 2013
05 October 2013
Let's steer back to the actual subject; observing social circle. I fancy knowledgeable people because they would sound smart and intelligent when they utter their words. I mean everything sounds profound when they speak and they can even support whatever things they say with solid proof. Obviously, these kind of homo sapiens read a lot ergo they are capable of doing that. That's amuses me, really. But it's a sad world when sometimes people don't seem to appreciate the knowledge that they (the knowledgeable) are trying to share his or her thoughts but they get mocked instead. Perhaps those people would rather enjoy small talks and immature silly jokes than occupying their mental capacity with useful information and stuff. I don't know. I don't wanna judge nor say anything. Or maybe I'm just stereotyping. I could be wrong.
Let me recall a little bit of my experience. I'm not gonna self proclaim that I am knowledgeable because I'm no Einstein (?) but I read stuff sometimes. When I find some thought provoking stuff say, interesting scientific research or psychological study and stuff, I tend to spill some interesting stuff that I thought worth to be shared with some people. Well, when I talk about this I sort of expect they would listen but sadly they make fun of it instead. I don't know, maybe the way I deliver my thoughts was not good enough or they never bother to listen. I don't know, really. Nonetheless, they should realise it actually reflects their own self when they did that hence would somehow project who they are in future, in a way. I don't want to brand them with anything but I personally think they should realise this themselves. I'm in no power to change anyone. Even Ustaz Abdullah Khairi once said you don't need to change others but you need to change yourself instead.
So if people think that being ignorant is cool, they should probably double check themselves. I wish I could be a knowledgeable person and make myself sounds really smart when I speak haha.
26 September 2013
A few weeks back I spent my eid holidays in kampung. I know it's rather late to talk about it but fret not, I'm not gonna talk about how I celebrated my eid and whatnot. Anyway, it was great to get the chance to meet some childhood friends who are grown ups now. Some are settling down with their partner and some are still studying while some are already working and can even afford to pay their own car which I thought it's pretty cool somehow. In case you're wondering why they already have their own job even though most of them are still at my age, 22 years old;young and dangerous, let me break this for you, most of them did not further their studies after they left high school but they opt for working instead. I don't have any issue with that,honestly. But the life's choice made kinda makes me wonder about something. Are they guaranteed with a promising future? Hmm.
Well, just because you don't go to college that doesn't mean you can't be successful in life. Living proof:Bill Gates. Frankly, if I were to compare my life with theirs now I'd quite envious with them. Why? Because they've got their own money while I'm still relying on the student allowance for my meals which I can hardly spend on something else despite the fact that I'm a spendthrift. That's the matter that leads me to question myself. How can we be sure one particular life's choice won't lead you to a promising future? We can never tell for sure. Nonetheless, don't you worry child 'cause heaven's got the plan for you. Let's face it, being a teacher in Malaysia doesn't promise you a luxurious life,really. I mean come on, with the current economic situation, I might not even afford to buy a local car in future let alone a house. Let's not go in depth and talk about political shit. I'm politically ignorant anyway. Shall I proceed?
I have mentally sketched how my future would look like but I can only draw it in mind while God will decide how it should turn out. Ugh, I have the fear of the unknown. I'm scared of something that is uncertain. I bear too many 'what ifs' in mind that makes me abandon to cherish the present. I wish I could illuminate to the whole world of how I want my life to look like but I see no point of keeping faith in the uncertainty. I cloud my mind with unhealthy thoughts. Anyway, my life's choice lies in my hand. I am the lead role of this cheap film. I'm gonna live the present and be fearless to the unknown. I don't wanna jeopardize my life for something uncertain. One thing for sure, I too, wanna be successful in life and become fucking rich! LOL.
The stuff I write above aren't exactly interrelated but whatever. I'm gonna stop now and read Sufian Abas. Be smart in picking your life's choice; it could be good or bad. Either way, you'll bear the consequences. After all, it's your fucking life.
24 September 2013
Moving on. Which leads us to another random stuff called bibliophile. I discovered this word on twitter recently. Slowpoke, I know but at least I have the effort the learn more, boo! Do I or don't I love reading? I can't tell honestly. To claim that I'm an avid reader is an understatement. I don't read much as other people do though. Two books a month, that's it. Hell, I've been skipping reading for the past two months as I've been busy with teaching practicum until recently I started to read again; J.D Salinger's The Catcher In The Rye. A terrific read. I'm not gonna give the review of the story but I really like Holden. I can associate myself to him. I get so engrossed with something that revolves around living with depression. I feel you, old Holden. Well this sort of book is kinda my preference though. You know, when you read about it you can observe your surrounding and then you will try to make sense of everything even though you'll fail terribly. I don't know, I can't really explain. You need to experience it yourself I reckon. Anyway, I think I get really depressed with stuff a lot. I don't know. I tend to cry when I get really depressed at times but I never told anybody about it. I don't trust anybody. I have a serious trust issue. I'm a pretentious bastard. When I start to be pretentious, I can keep going for days or even for weeks. Sounds like a bad quality of life huh? Who cares really? Like Holden often says, people are phony. Yeah that irritates me. I don't know how should I put this to make it sound less offensive but I never trust most people especially my own friends. God that sounds really bad I know. I've learned the hard way man hence the trust issue. I'd rather be alone most of the time. Books are my good company, I guess. At least they won't irritate me like human beings with their immature thoughts and childish attitude. I'm not particularly fond of stupid jokes anyway. It irritates me a lot. Well, I never try to fit into anybody's life circle so it kinda gives me a personal liberty for I won't have to get barricaded with any particular way of life or thinking. I don't need to get anybody's approval to do anything just to conform with the society. I've long detached myself from almost everyone. Being close to anybody doesn't really concern me.
I don't wanna go any further. This is just a warm up to welcome myself back to this blog.
Anyway, a wolf doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep. Spare some time to think about this and reflect.