26 September 2013

Uncertainty

A few weeks back I spent my eid holidays in kampung. I know it's rather late to talk about it but fret not, I'm not gonna talk about how I celebrated my eid and whatnot. Anyway, it was great to get the chance to meet some childhood friends who are grown ups now. Some are settling down with their partner and some are still studying while some are already working and can even afford to pay their own car which I thought it's pretty cool somehow. In case you're wondering why they already have their own job even though most of them are still at my age, 22 years old;young and dangerous, let me break this for you, most of them did not further their studies after they left high school but they opt for working instead. I don't have any issue with that,honestly. But the life's choice made kinda makes me wonder about something. Are they guaranteed with a promising future? Hmm.

Well, just because you don't go to college that doesn't mean you can't be successful in life. Living proof:Bill Gates. Frankly, if I were to compare my life with theirs now I'd quite envious with them. Why? Because they've got their own money while I'm still relying on the student allowance for my meals which I can hardly spend on something else despite the fact that I'm a spendthrift. That's the matter that leads me to question myself. How can we be sure one particular life's choice won't lead you to a promising future? We can never tell for sure. Nonetheless, don't you worry child 'cause heaven's got the plan for you. Let's face it, being a teacher in Malaysia doesn't promise you a luxurious life,really. I mean come on, with the current economic situation, I might not even afford to buy a local car in future let alone a house. Let's not go in depth and talk about political shit. I'm politically ignorant anyway. Shall I proceed?

I have mentally sketched how my future would look like but I can only draw it in mind while God will decide how it should turn out. Ugh, I have the fear of the unknown. I'm scared of something that is uncertain. I bear too many 'what ifs' in mind that makes me abandon to cherish the present. I wish I could illuminate to the whole world of how I want my life to look like but I see no point of keeping faith in the uncertainty. I cloud my mind with unhealthy thoughts. Anyway, my life's choice lies in my hand. I am the lead role of this cheap film. I'm gonna live the present and be fearless to the unknown. I don't wanna jeopardize my life for something uncertain. One thing for sure, I too, wanna be successful in life and become fucking rich! LOL.

The stuff I write above aren't exactly interrelated but whatever. I'm gonna stop now and read Sufian Abas. Be smart in picking your life's choice; it could be good or bad. Either way, you'll bear the consequences. After all, it's your fucking life.

24 September 2013

Perkara

To be honest, I don't know where to begin. I've left this blog for almost a year but here I am now attempting to let the thoughts flow into words again. I realise I'm terrible at writing hence the reason why I stopped. I can't seem to fathom my ideas well. Writer's block all the way. Often, I write on twitter though. You can say that I'm an avid twitter user. I love it. It's like I can post anything within 140 characters only. Things will sound straight to the point. People get hurt by my words most of the time heh. Sometimes I did intentionally and sometimes I did not. People make mistakes ain't it? Anyway, I don't have any particular stuff to write but I just feel like writing something. They say writing ceases depression? Come to think again, am I really depressed? Normally, I can't think when I'm depressed nonetheless I will keep going and gonna stop when I feel like to. I'll be real honest this time; I feel quite intimidated to write because I don't have large vocabulary like any other people do really. Most of my blogger friends often impress me with their words. How can they be so good at it while I'm not? Ugh stupid question, honestly. But really, I loved writing then but now I just can't seem to write anymore. I thought as you grow older, your ideas will expand along the way too but in my case it doesn't seem to happen hence this brings us to one specific topic called random. Yeah, I'm gonna be really random this time. I will write things that come across my mind now. I'll start with awkward reaction that I often give when somebody says I'm smart. Clearly, they are being delusional. Apparently their judgment has been clouded by some dark entity LOL. Damn it people, you've listed the wrong guy on the list. How do measure someone's intelligence anyways? This is hilarious. Most of the time, I'll keep quiet or deflect to another subject of conversation. Or the least I could do is say thanks without really accepting the compliment but yeah thanks anyway. People are funny, really.

Moving on. Which leads us to another random stuff called bibliophile. I discovered this word on twitter recently. Slowpoke, I know but at least I have the effort the learn more, boo! Do I or don't I love reading? I can't tell honestly. To claim that I'm an avid reader is an understatement. I don't read much as other people do though. Two books a month, that's it. Hell, I've been skipping reading for the past two months as I've been busy with teaching practicum until recently I started to read again; J.D Salinger's The Catcher In The Rye. A terrific read. I'm not gonna give the review of the story but I really like Holden. I can associate myself to him. I get so engrossed with something that revolves around living with depression. I feel you, old Holden. Well this sort of book is kinda my preference though. You know, when you read about it you can observe your surrounding and then you will try to make sense of everything even though you'll fail terribly. I don't know, I can't really explain. You need to experience it yourself I reckon. Anyway, I think I get really depressed with stuff a lot. I don't know. I tend to cry when I get really depressed at times but I never told anybody about it. I don't trust anybody. I have a serious trust issue. I'm a pretentious bastard. When I start to be pretentious, I can keep going for days or even for weeks. Sounds like a bad quality of life huh? Who cares really? Like Holden often says, people are phony. Yeah that irritates me. I don't know how should I put this to make it sound less offensive but I never trust most people especially my own friends. God that sounds really bad I know. I've learned the hard way man hence the trust issue. I'd rather be alone most of the time. Books are my good company, I guess. At least they won't irritate me like human beings with their immature thoughts and childish attitude. I'm not particularly fond of stupid jokes anyway.  It irritates me a lot. Well, I never try to fit into anybody's life circle so it kinda gives me a personal liberty for I won't have to get barricaded with any particular way of life or thinking. I don't need to get anybody's approval to do anything just to conform with the society. I've long detached myself from almost everyone. Being close to anybody doesn't really concern me.

I don't wanna go any further. This is just a warm up to welcome myself back to this blog.

Anyway, a wolf doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep. Spare some time to think about this and reflect.
So long!