31 October 2013

Declaration of Perceptions

It's an examination week in college now. Kicked off a day ago (in my case). People finally dig out and realise what they actually learn throughout the semester. Sometimes I question myself, why does this thing happen? Who or what do we blame? Is it because the system implemented steers students to act and yield themselves to such behaviour? It's a question that only oneself can answer. I too have been asking myself with the exact same question albeit no apparent answer surfaces to suffice the curiosity (so far). Are we too bound to the exam oriented system where we only revise at the very last minute and are proud of doing so because no matter how late we revise we are able to scribble the answers anyway? I'll just leave the question unanswered, unscripted because this just my own perception of how I see myself studying and struggling to compete like a mad to just be bogus-ly branded intelligent based on the grades achieved. What an overwhelming misconception. I personally think we're so concerned with failure and success like these two things are all that's going to sum you up at the end. Never mind this adamant policy. We seem to be too dependent on this thing. Who are we to alter the world, anyway? Quite a lengthy narration for an introduction. Moving on.

This is not actually what I intent to write. I reckon it happens because I'm letting my thoughts to flow out too freely this time hence a narration scripted. I'm attempting to associate the thoughts above with my family's attitude towards me being a student. It's been going on since I was in alma mater but only now I realise this. It's quite appalling to think of or perhaps it's just bizarre. I really don't know what to think, honestly. I'll hit straight to the point. My family doesn't seem to bother much of how I'm actually doing in college. Obviously, back in high school years I could sense terrific bullets of lectures coming on every time I returned home on semester holidays because more often than not my results were extremely terrible. It was horrifying to some extent but it just ended with a nag and then it ended there. No additional prologue to the episode. Lawyered to an undisclosed issue (heh). But now everything is dissimilar. No one bothers or ever asked how many A's I obtain every semester. Not that I fond of broadcasting my life's update to anyone in the family anyway. So college isn't a topic of interest at home. So no more extradition on semester break at home (bliss). 

Frankly, such an attitude frustrates me occasionally but it's not a bad thing somewhat. They are still my family nevertheless. If I was rebellious I'd absolutely think of flunking myself but I won't do it because it would the loss on my own side. Whom am I kidding? So I still bring myself to this life as a college student and sit for exams like any other people do. I like to trick my mind to believe that my family still subtly care about me although it seems unappealing. It's probably the nuance of the family which I have yet to comprehend and utilise my mind to such thing. I shall not resent them for their attitude is against what I have mentally sketched. Rather, I shall be grateful that my conscience doesn't seem to fool me into trashing my own life. I should perform well in academic career as it's the only thing that I've got left to make me realise who I really am. I'm going to make myself proud. So far, I still maintain a decent academic record so yeah that's a good thing I suppose. I can't wait to graduate. So long.

My playlist is rather trashy these days. I shall tune to fresher vibes soon.

29 October 2013

Acquaintance

Bearing so much inescapable thoughts in my mind until there's almost no time to reflect everything throughout the passing month. Been putting off writing for weeks due to unbearably slow internet speed. There's nothing else to blame. Hence most of the tales of what's going on with this life remain untold. I made a new friend recently, a junior. He approached me while I was sitting alone at the cafe while puffing the cancer stick after finishing my meal. I'd say I acknowledge his courage in doing such thing because I would never do that, ever. I've known him since last year but we were never friends then. I remain seated to my table to fancy his conversation with me which was quite interesting. He started off by telling me how he notices that I'm often alone so I sort of illuminated to him why I'm particularly fond doing things or going places alone. Typical stuff mostly. I don't usually spare so much elaborations to anybody about who I am but I did to him. I don't know. Maybe I didn't want to leave him perplexed or perhaps I was in the mood to talk, to entertain anybody that dares enough to come and talk to me.

The conversation started to become more intriguing when we began to talk about some college stuff. Fast forward, the chat was tuned to my previous record. My past as in how I was actually transferred from a non-English niche college to this English niche college. As one of my juniors, he absolutely did not have any idea about this until I told him. It's funny really. Having to explain how and why it happened since I have pretty much thought nobody would ask about this anymore. I assumed he was curious. So the old story was unearthed, again and again. It's like an ongoing cycle. Interestingly, he questioned me about trying to fit in the new place when I was transferred to the new college. Ah nobody ever picked this subject of conversation before. So, I humbly illuminated to him how I actually took almost two years to cope with the new environment and this is my third year in this place. Went through endless hell and miserable life. Come to think again, this lad knew how to humor me with such question. It was like a subtle message of mirroring myself; looking back at the old me. Being thrown into a capsule of growing up transition. A never ending process.

Long story short, he asked about my circle of friends; of comparing the friends in the new college and the former one. To be honest, it would unfair if I did this thing but I gave him an honest answer. I'm more comfortable to be around friends in my former college. This is going to sound a bit dramatic but if I were given a chance to go back to my previous college I would certainly return there and never come back. I'm not imposing the idea of whether I fancy my friends in my former college more than the new one but I just wish I could go back there. Well, this is just an impossible thing to happen because I'm already in my third of studies now. I should get real. That will remain become a wish, scattered with no chance of being granted. But yeah, I still like the cultivation of being alone, going through the day alone because my life is better this way but I should cherish my friends nonetheless. Anyway, this is just merely a writing because I just feel like writing. I love writing more than I love people lol. Be back soon!

I encountered a turmoil recently. Something that I never consciously experienced before. It was a mix of feelings of resentment and loneliness.

12 October 2013

En Route

I'm on way to kampung for the upcoming eid-ul-adha holidays. It's gonna take about 8 hours to reach the destination which is in kelantan. I notice that I frequent kelantan for many times this year. What should I do to not let the time passes by less wasted? Been thinking to read but it's not exactly something that could be done. Might need extra light source to do that. E-book is another option but there's no fun in reading 'unreal' book. Gotta keep thinking and brooding. 

07 October 2013

Practicum

So everybody was literally racing their fingers on the keyboard to sign up for their preferable school for 3 months practicum teaching next year. It's like 3 months away but I suppose everyone gotta abide the regulation. I don't know what can I really say about this. I mean the thought of going to school for three months really overwhelms me. Let's talk cliche: it's gonna be a whole new environment, new people, new issues and stuff. To be honest I really hate it. I never like going to school. I'd rather sit and listen to lectures for hours. I thought been a student teacher for about four and a half years already has got me attached to this field of study but apparently the passion has yet to be catapulted. 

So yeah there's no point of whining and ranting as I gotta do what I gotta do. As much as I prefer to keep my social life and student life separated, I'm sure as hell to get the best from both worlds. It has become part of me now though I certainly am looking forward to getting out of the system as soon as I can. It's a mess, honestly. Goodbye. 

05 October 2013

Ignorance is [Not] Bliss

To claim that I'm observant is rather a white lie but being in sea people, you tend to observe the pattern of their behaviors and attitude. Bet people do the same thing to me but it doesn't matter though. To observe does not necessarily mean to judge. That is a wrong notion to cultivate but rather you should observe the nuance of the social circle that you throw yourself into. Dad often says to be wise in choosing your acquaintances. He seems to resent people who struggle or do not even think to improve themselves in whatever things that need to be improved hence he doesn't allow his children to mingle with such people. I don't know whether or not I should agree with him because I myself am not good enough in almost everything especially academic career. So can I say that I'm struggling to improve myself? I'll ponder about that later.

Let's steer back to the actual subject; observing social circle. I fancy knowledgeable people because they would sound smart and intelligent when they utter their words. I mean everything sounds profound when they speak and they can even support whatever things they say with solid proof. Obviously, these kind of homo sapiens read a lot ergo they are capable of doing that. That's amuses me, really. But it's a sad world when sometimes people don't seem to appreciate the knowledge that they (the knowledgeable) are trying to share his or her thoughts but they get mocked instead. Perhaps those people would rather enjoy small talks and immature silly jokes than occupying their mental capacity with useful information and stuff. I don't know. I don't wanna judge nor say anything. Or maybe I'm just stereotyping. I could be wrong.

Let me recall a little bit of my experience. I'm not gonna self proclaim that I am knowledgeable because I'm no Einstein (?) but I read stuff sometimes. When I find some thought provoking stuff say, interesting scientific research or psychological study and stuff, I tend to spill some interesting stuff that I thought worth to be shared with some people. Well, when I talk about this I sort of expect they would listen but sadly they make fun of it instead. I don't know, maybe  the way I deliver my thoughts was not good enough or they never bother to listen. I don't know, really. Nonetheless, they should realise it actually reflects their own self when they did that hence would somehow project who they are in future, in a way. I don't want to brand them with anything but I personally think they should realise this themselves. I'm in no power to change anyone. Even Ustaz Abdullah Khairi once said you don't need to change others but you need to change yourself instead.

So if people think that being ignorant is cool, they should probably double check themselves. I wish I could be a knowledgeable person and make myself sounds really smart when I speak haha.