29 October 2013


Bearing so much inescapable thoughts in my mind until there's almost no time to reflect everything throughout the passing month. Been putting off writing for weeks due to unbearably slow internet speed. There's nothing else to blame. Hence most of the tales of what's going on with this life remain untold. I made a new friend recently, a junior. He approached me while I was sitting alone at the cafe while puffing the cancer stick after finishing my meal. I'd say I acknowledge his courage in doing such thing because I would never do that, ever. I've known him since last year but we were never friends then. I remain seated to my table to fancy his conversation with me which was quite interesting. He started off by telling me how he notices that I'm often alone so I sort of illuminated to him why I'm particularly fond doing things or going places alone. Typical stuff mostly. I don't usually spare so much elaborations to anybody about who I am but I did to him. I don't know. Maybe I didn't want to leave him perplexed or perhaps I was in the mood to talk, to entertain anybody that dares enough to come and talk to me.

The conversation started to become more intriguing when we began to talk about some college stuff. Fast forward, the chat was tuned to my previous record. My past as in how I was actually transferred from a non-English niche college to this English niche college. As one of my juniors, he absolutely did not have any idea about this until I told him. It's funny really. Having to explain how and why it happened since I have pretty much thought nobody would ask about this anymore. I assumed he was curious. So the old story was unearthed, again and again. It's like an ongoing cycle. Interestingly, he questioned me about trying to fit in the new place when I was transferred to the new college. Ah nobody ever picked this subject of conversation before. So, I humbly illuminated to him how I actually took almost two years to cope with the new environment and this is my third year in this place. Went through endless hell and miserable life. Come to think again, this lad knew how to humor me with such question. It was like a subtle message of mirroring myself; looking back at the old me. Being thrown into a capsule of growing up transition. A never ending process.

Long story short, he asked about my circle of friends; of comparing the friends in the new college and the former one. To be honest, it would unfair if I did this thing but I gave him an honest answer. I'm more comfortable to be around friends in my former college. This is going to sound a bit dramatic but if I were given a chance to go back to my previous college I would certainly return there and never come back. I'm not imposing the idea of whether I fancy my friends in my former college more than the new one but I just wish I could go back there. Well, this is just an impossible thing to happen because I'm already in my third of studies now. I should get real. That will remain become a wish, scattered with no chance of being granted. But yeah, I still like the cultivation of being alone, going through the day alone because my life is better this way but I should cherish my friends nonetheless. Anyway, this is just merely a writing because I just feel like writing. I love writing more than I love people lol. Be back soon!

I encountered a turmoil recently. Something that I never consciously experienced before. It was a mix of feelings of resentment and loneliness.

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