08 November 2013

Perpetual Perplex

Still in the midst of examination week. Life goes on as it is albeit socially dormant. I am in a constant third world financial crisis. Anyway, the intermission between one paper to the next is about a week ergo we, the guys including me (it was an instinctive decision) had an escapade at some waterfall in Hulu Yam last Thursday. It was pretty great and euphoric. I was not supposed to go there in the first place as I was scheduled to attend a talk called Majlis Penjelasan Fatwa by Pejabat Mufti Wilayah Persekutuan. Admittedly, I was eagerly anticipating to attend such informative event just to sit and listen to what was going to be imparted but I woke up rather late (going back to sleep after subuh prayer was such a terrible idea). As the day did not turn out as mentally outlined, I decided to tag along to Hulu Yam but I still felt bad for not attending the talk that I was really looking forward to going. If I attended the talk, it would give me an occasion to meet some local Islamic scholars there. They might be unfamiliar to me yet knowledgeable. So that's what matters.      

That's not exactly I want to talk about. Anyhow yet somehow, I've been experiencing a continuum of bafflement lately; about something that I often ponder myself. It seems like a perpetual deja vu. I don't know really. There's a self-defense mechanism that keeps myself from having any real honest connection or commitment with my true feelings. I am just trying to build a new paradigm of understanding about this life, about myself so I had a sudden epiphany: what if I joined some 'underground' usrah group? By underground means nobody that knows me in person should know I join an usrah ergo it should be something discreet. Since they practically work as social support group where I can sit and listen with subtle engrossment to the people attempting to lighten everyone with religious knowledge and some worldly issues (I guess). I never know how does an usrah work, honestly. But then again, I am pretty dubious about it because it might not be able to enlighten my ignorant sluggish mind. If you never try, you'll never know eh? But I really want to learn about Islam, all over again. I do not want my faith get stripped away as I grow older. This explains why I was anticipating to attend the talk. It could be a platform of learning from the basics.

The idea of joining an usrah is that, if I have any doubts about the religion I could simply probe the questions to any of the usrah members and I hope the answers would be plausible to suffice my curiosity. I'm drifting apart. I can't fully comprehend the obligations of being a Muslim aside from 5 times daily obligatory prayers and observing the month of Ramadan through the act of abstaining yourself from thirst and hunger for 13 hours. But the obligatory practice such as solat is merely a routine (somewhat). I've made a habit of practicing it on daily basis. Fortunately, I have found a confidant whom I would occasionally question my doubts and curiosity about the religion to; my roommate. Since he attended religious school so he basically have ample relevant knowledge about Islam. He would give some credible analogies to illuminate and enlighten me to attend to my questions. I should be grateful to have him as a friend. I'm not ashamed of asking him questions even about the most fundamental things. It always stays between him and me. So basically I am still on the verge of looking for any ultimate usrah groups that I can participate to patch the loopholes of the religious doubts. Anyway, I am dubious that the desire to transform myself is just something impermanent.

My brother is getting married this weekend. I'm happy for him though I still can't believe that he's finally getting married. I don't even know his fiancee in person still.

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